Does anyone know where to hire a Twitter Sherpa?

God help me, it must be my age; or I've fallen into a whole bucket of stupid. I can't for the life of me figure out these new internet social networking technologies. If I sign up for Facebook or MySpace, my addled brain can at least wrap around what I've posted and I've been able to connect with a few local friends, but Twitter, are you kidding me????!!! Never mind Hashtags and Pipes. Can't I get arrested for those?

I have about 50 tabs open in my browser because I'm too dull to retrace my steps and find my way back once I've landed on some website that actually resembles the last vestiges of humanity, I tagged it or tweeted it or ... what the hell did I do?? I can't even figure out how I got to some of these places. It's a jungle out there and I need an Internet machete.

I'm trying desperately to remain relevant and at least able to communicate with my future perfect wunderkinds. I've never felt so inept in my life. I can only compare this to my first time on a mimeograph typewriting machine (does anyone even remember those?). I sucked at it. Not only was my typing illegible, I had blue mimeograph ink from pie hole to shoe sole at the end of class. The teacher used to sneer at me because she had to clean the entire machine at the end of the day. I could feel the snicker of miss lightning fingers next to me who did everything perfectly, twit.

So now I've revisited those painful memories as I try to become a mammafly version of super geek. Able to bake a casserole and post a blog with a single keystroke. I have to admit I'm in way over my head. I actually tagged (tweeted, followed???? whatever the heck!!!!!) two total strangers today just because their photos didn't look like axe murderers and they seemed to know what they were doing. Somebody send in the Sherpa!